Navigating the Holidays with a Highly Sensitive or Neurodivergent Toddler

The holiday season is a time for joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for parents of highly sensitive or neurodivergent toddlers, it can also be a period filled with unique challenges. In this blog, we will explore how to prepare for the holidays with your sensitive child and provide guidance on addressing well-meaning but often toxic statements from family and friends.

What You May Hear and Why It’s Not True:

1. "They're just shy; they'll grow out of it."

Why it's not true: Highly sensitive children have a different nervous system, and their sensitivity is a part of who they are. It's not something they'll necessarily outgrow.

2. "Why are you so overprotective?"

Why it's not true: Parents of highly sensitive children need to create a safe environment that respects their child's needs, not overprotectiveness.

3. "You're making excuses for their behavior."

Why it's not true: Recognizing your child's needs and providing appropriate support isn't an excuse; it's responsible parenting.

4. "They just need more discipline."

Why it's not true: Discipline may not address the unique needs of sensitive children, who often respond better to gentle guidance and understanding.

5. "They're just being difficult."

Why it's not true: Sensitive children's reactions are often a response to overwhelming stimuli, not intentional defiance.

6. "Have you tried ignoring their tantrums?"

Why it's not true: Ignoring tantrums may escalate the situation for a highly sensitive child, who might need comfort and understanding instead.

7. "All kids are like that."

Why it's not true: Every child is unique, and not all children experience the world in the same way.

8. "Don't coddle them; they need to toughen up."

Why it's not true: Encouraging resilience is important, but it must be done with sensitivity to the child's specific needs.

9. "They're just too spoiled."

Why it's not true: Sensitive children may require extra support, but this doesn't equate to spoiling them.

10. "You're overreacting."

Why it's not true: Parents of highly sensitive children are often responding appropriately to their child's specific needs.

11. "They need more socialization."

Why it's not true: Sensitive children may benefit from socialization, but it should be in a controlled and understanding environment.

12. "They don't look autistic or sensitive."

Why it's not true: Neurodivergent children don't always fit stereotypes, and their needs can be invisible to others.

13. "You're just being overly cautious."

Why it's not true: Being cautious is often necessary to protect sensitive children from overwhelming situations.

14. "They need to tough it out."

Why it's not true: Sensitivity isn't something a child can tough out; it's a part of their nature.

15. "Stop babying them."

Why it's not true: Sensitive children may need extra comfort and care, not babying.

16. "I raised my kids differently, and they turned out fine."

Why it's not true: Each child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another.

17. "They're just picky eaters."

Why it's not true: Sensory sensitivities can make mealtime challenging for neurodivergent children.

18. "They're just attention-seeking."

Why it's not true: A highly sensitive child's need for attention is often based on genuine emotional needs.

19. "You need to toughen up as a parent."

Why it's not true: Parenting a highly sensitive child requires patience, empathy, and understanding, not toughness.

20. "They're just too sheltered."

Why it's not true: Providing a sheltered environment can be necessary to protect a sensitive child from overstimulation.

The majority of these statements are rooted in an outdated parenting mindset that focuses on behaviorism.

Behaviorism, a psychological theory that gained prominence in the early 20th century, is considered outdated in contemporary psychology and education for several reasons. While behaviorism contributed valuable insights, its limitations have become apparent over time. One of the key reasons for this is the recognition that often a child’s behavior is beyond their control due to various factors, including neurodevelopmental and environmental influences.

Here are the key reasons why behaviorism is considered outdated:

1. Simplistic Model: Behaviorism primarily focuses on observable behaviors and often ignores the underlying cognitive and emotional processes. It oversimplifies complex human behavior by reducing it to stimulus-response associations.

2. Lack of Internal Factors: Behaviorism does not adequately account for internal factors, such as emotions, thoughts, and motivations, which play a crucial role in understanding behavior. Modern psychology recognizes the importance of cognitive and emotional aspects in explaining behavior.

3. Neglect of Individual Differences: Behaviorism treats all individuals as essentially the same in terms of learning and behavior. It doesn't account for the vast diversity in human experiences and responses to stimuli.

4. Doesn't Explain Complex Behaviors: Behaviorism is limited in explaining complex behaviors like language acquisition, problem-solving, and creativity. These behaviors involve more than simple stimulus-response associations.

5. Ethical Concerns: Behaviorism's focus on conditioning and reinforcement sometimes raises ethical concerns, as it can lead to manipulative practices. Modern psychology emphasizes the importance of ethical considerations in research and practice.

Regarding the idea that some children's behavior is beyond their control, this recognizes the influence of factors like neurodivergence, genetics, and environment:

1. Neurodivergence: Autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and other neurodiverse diagnosis’s can affect a child's behavior. These differences are beyond a child's control and require tailored interventions and understanding.

2. Genetic Factors: Genetics can influence a child's predisposition to certain behaviors and conditions. While genetics do not entirely determine behavior, they can make some behaviors more challenging to navigate. See Temperament or epigenetics for more information.

3. Environmental Factors: A child's behavior is also shaped by their environment, including family dynamics, socio-economic status, and community influences. These external factors can make it difficult for a child to regulate their behavior.

4. Trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): Children who have experienced trauma or adverse childhood experiences may exhibit behaviors beyond their control. Trauma can have a profound impact on a child's emotional and behavioral regulation.

5. Normal Child Development: Young children lack the ability to manipulate others;  behavior that appears manipulative is often developmentally normal and related to exploring boundaries, lack of impulse control, or unmet physical or emotional needs.

In modern psychology and education, the focus has shifted towards a more holistic and multidimensional understanding of behavior, which takes into account cognitive, emotional, genetic, and environmental factors. This approach allows for a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on children's behavior, emphasizing support, early intervention, and individualized strategies to help them develop self-regulation and emotional well-being.

Polite Responses to Unsolicited Advice:

1. "Thank you for your input, but we're following the guidance of our child's healthcare professionals."

2. "I appreciate your concern, but we have a plan in place that works for our family."

3. "I understand your perspective, but we've found what works best for our child's needs, and we'll continue to support them in the way that's right for them."

Parenting a highly sensitive or neurodivergent toddler during the holidays can be challenging, but with the right understanding and support, it can also be a time of joy and connection. By being prepared for potential unsolicited advice, misunderstanding, judgement, and passive aggressive comments and by responding with patience and firmness, parents can ensure a happy and comfortable holiday season for their child and themselves.